It is taking every bit of writing commitment I have to compose a review for The Wolverine, because, quite frankly, it's so unbelievably dull and idiotic I can barely muster the energy to write about it. It's not even particularly awful; it's just boring and unfailingly stupid. The characters aren't compelling and the plot is nothing more than an excuse for uninspired action sequences. For most of its running time, I was longing for the sweet release of sleep so I wouldn't have to put up with it any longer. At certain points, I actually wished I was watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine for the sheer laugh factor it elicits. This is pretty insane, considering that under normal circumstances, I would NEVER elect to watch that travesty. And sure, when it comes down to it, The Wolverine doesn't reach X-Men Origins levels of awfulness. It's not even as terrible as X-Men: The Last Stand, but it's only a marginal improvement over those two and being the best of the worst is nothing to be proud of.
So, what exactly is The Wolverine about? Apparently, Wolverine saved a Japanese soldier's life during World War II and now that soldier wants to repay Wolverine by scooping up the mutant's infamous healing factor in order to save his own life. In exchange, Wolverine will get the mortality he's always longed for and a chance to die and be reunited with his one true love Jean Grey. (Who appears in various dream sequences throughout the movie) Through some convoluted plot developments, Wolverine ends up becoming a bodyguard for this guy's granddaughter and gets involved in some sort of scheme to...I don't know...take over the world or something. Along the way, our hero engages in some PG-13 slashing, which equates to shaky-cam action sequences shot in close up. He also gets to sit around and stare at the vastly uninteresting supporting characters who seem to desire nothing more than to deliver exposition and backstories in the most mundane way possible. Seriously, I can't even count how many times a character would say, "I remember when..." and go off recounting some overlong, dreadfully dull story about their past while Wolverine looked on, listening intently, as my eyes glazed over.
Oh, and in some odd attempt to fabricate suspense, the screenwriters see fit to rob Wolverine of his regenerative powers for most of the film's running time. This isn't so much an exciting story development as an excuse to shoot slow-motion close-ups of Hugh Jackman looking constipated while the bad guys beat away at him with baseball bats. Poor Jackman performs admirably in the role that made him a star back in 2000's vastly superior X-Men, (God I miss Bryan Singer...) but he just doesn't have a story or much of a character arc to work with. I suppose it's too much to ask to actually care about the people occupying your standard summer blockbuster, but it sure would have made this slog a bit more enjoyable to watch.
Director James Manigold also does the best with the nonsensical screenplay he's given. I'll give him credit for trying to avoid standard superhero film pratfalls and turning up the exotic factor by filming in Tokyo and other exciting locations. At times, it feels more like You Only Live Twice than a comic book inspired flick. That's both a good and bad thing. Manigold also manages to craft The Wolverine's one exciting action sequence - A fight atop a speeding bullet train. The only thrills the movie has are to be found in this scene, which takes place early in the film, leaving you with another hour and a half of non-stop boringness.
But maybe the issue isn't really Manigold's direction or the lackluster screenwriting. Maybe the real problem is that Wolverine just isn't a very interesting character. Yeah, okay, I get it - He looks cool on the comic book page and, let's face it, who doesn't love the concept of a total badass who goes into berserker rages and slices up his enemies with metal claws that extend from his knuckles? But beyond these ideas, Wolverine just doesn't work well as a story-driving device. He's most effective in a team environment, working with other characters who have ideals that stand in stark contrast with his own. This allows for actual genuine character conflict, something that is sorely missing here. On his own, Wolverine is just a guy who doesn't go much deeper than his growling, slicing and dicing and re-healing just to do it all over again. What little character development he has comes from a mysterious past that haunts every moment of his waking life, but I can only take so much of a guy running around saying, "Who am I???"; "What have they done to me?" before I begin to desire an adamantium bullet to the brain.
Look at the six X-Men movies that have been made. Out of all these, only one has not focused on Wolverine as the central character. (The refreshing, if not entirely successful, X-Men First Class) Whatever slimmer of character development existed within him has been exhausted twenty times over. Give me a pulpit and I'll preach it loud and clear: We don't need anymore Wolverine-centric entries in this series. There are far more interesting characters to dissect in this canon; let's get on with it.
It's disappointing that the X-Men franchise is now nothing more than another money-grubbing series with nothing to prove. Under Bryan Singer's guiding hand, these movies paved the way for the whole superhero genre to make a huge comeback and, more importantly, his heroes had heart to match their astonishing abilities. I can only hope Singer's return to the series with Days of Future Past will bring the franchise back to its former glory. For now, we'll have to suffer through this nonsense.
CONCLUSION: The Wolverine, with its total lack of engaging story or interesting characters, is a lackluster mess of a flick. It's not only one of the worst films in the X-Men movie series, it's one of the lamest movies of 2013.
FINAL RATING: 2/5
