But they were all of them deceived, for another trilogy was made. In the lands of New Zealand, in the fires of Warner Bros./New Line Cinema, the Dark Lord Peter Jackson forged, in secret, a master cleanse. And into this trilogy he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to CGI all life - One Trilogy to Bore Them All.
It’s hard to believe it’s been eleven years since the release of the final chapter of Peter Jackson’s masterful adaptation of The Lord of the Rings. To this day, the midnight showing of The Return of the King stands as the single greatest movie-going experience I have ever had. Seriously, it was like a sporting event – people were cheering and applauding through practically the entire film. If someone had approached me immediately after that viewing and told me that eleven years later a Hobbit movie would be released and I wouldn’t care less about it, I would never have believed them. How could I? The Lord of the Rings Trilogy is a masterpiece! Peter Jackson is a genius!
My, how times have changed.
Way back in the day when news was announced that The Hobbit would be split into three films, I was confused, but optimistic. I trusted Jackson and, despite the fact that the source material didn’t seem to merit three films, I put my faith in his judgment. Then An Unexpected Journey was released and all hope was lost. The film was a dreadful bore. Its nearly three-hour running length, made up of repetitive, video game style action sequences and non-existent character development, was mind numbing and further emphasized what a poor decision it was to split this story into three 3-hour length films. Its only saving grace was poor Martin Freeman, who did his utmost to portray the title character with all the zest and charm Bilbo Baggins deserves, despite being shoved to the side to play second fiddle to characters and events that weren’t even in the book.
A year later The Desolation of Smaug arrived. It still contained all the same problems as its predecessor, but it benefited from Jackson seeming to remember that entertainment should be, you know, entertaining. There were a couple of action sequences that actually managed to thrill – that barrel chase sequence, for one - but it still wasn’t enough to save the entire film from dullness or that complete ‘Eff You!’ of an ending. At the very least it wasn’t an outright travesty. It was certainly better than its predecessor, but only marginally so.
Now we come to it at last – the great battle of our time. At least, that’s what Peter Jackson would like for you to believe. Seriously, whose decision was it to try and push The Battle of Five Armies as ‘The Defining Chapter of the Middle-Earth Saga?’ Last time I checked, the ‘Defining Chapter of the Middle-Earth Saga’ was The Lord of the Rings. The Hobbit was never intended as anything more than a simple adventure story and its cinematic interpretation would have benefited greatly if it had followed suit. Instead, against all better judgment and/or logic, Jackson and co. decided to expand and bloat the charming tale of Bilbo Baggins’ adventures beyond recognition into something vastly unpleasant. And somehow, The Battle of Five Armies manages to be the worst part of this bloated trilogy.
After an enjoyable opening sequence (which is actually the missing ending of the last movie), things go downhill in splendid fashion. There are a lot of dull preparations for the Big Battle. We’re treated to superfluous subplots involving Bard, the hero of Laketown, (Played with admirable nobility by Luke Evans) and Legolas’s dad Thranduil (Played like a sleepwalker by Lee Pace) trying to convince the Dwarves to share Erebor’s treasure. Thorin (Played like a pouty five-year-old by Richard Armitage) is being altogether unpleasant due to a nasty bout of ‘dragon sickness’ (?). He refuses to play nice and spends a good chunk of the movie acting like a brooding brat before having a baffling, drawn out acid trip that brings him back to his senses.
But before Thorin can make up for all his nasty behavior, the Elves arrive with a massive army, joined by the citizens of Laketown, and engage in battle with a Dwarven army. Then a massive Orc army shows up to ruin all the fun and the armies engage in what can only be described as one of the most impressive video game sequences of all time.
In the meantime, Gandalf is having the time of his life being held in a cage by the Necromancer, a.k.a. The Lord of the Rings himself, Sauron. In one of the early comedic sequences of the film, Gandalf is rescued by some of our friends from the original trilogy: Galadriel, who has a full-on creepy girl from The Ring freakout moment, Elrond, who gets to relive his glory days of martial arts mayhem from The Matrix, and Saruman, who further emphasizes that Christopher Lee can still kick ass, as long as he’s played by a CG stunt double.
And absolutely nothing is at stake. Nothing. At the end of the day, all anyone in this movie wants is gold and they will fight to the death for it. If a character doesn’t want gold, they get the immense pleasure of watching the madness unfold from the sidelines.
And as I’m sitting there in the movie theater, watching these CG armies clash into each other over and over again, all I can think about is how much I miss the Peter Jackson who made one of the greatest trilogies of all time, and how little I care about anything that’s happening or any of the characters because this time around he has given me exactly no reason to do so. There is so little of significance happening here and yet it goes on and on and on as if it’s the most meaningful thing ever committed to celluloid. It’s painful.
And then in the midst of all this is Bilbo Baggins, who was supposed to be the main character of this story. Martin Freeman brings every ounce of charm to the screen he can muster; he’s these films’ one saving grace. But, as is tradition for this trilogy, Bilbo is shoved aside to make room for never-ending CG battles and subplots/characters that were of little importance in the novel. The fact that the last 10 minutes, which focus exclusively on Bilbo, are the film’s best says a lot about how wrong this whole enterprise went. Of course, we have to make room for that romantic subplot involving Tauriel, Legolas, and hunky Dwarf Kili. Who cares about Bilbo Baggins when you can watch these three pine over each other forever and ever, amen? Seriously though, whose idea was this? This love triangle has been one of the most absurd additions to these films and here it reaches levels of hilariousness I couldn’t possibly have imagined:
“If this is love…please take it from me,” cries Tauriel. “Why does it hurt so much?”
“Because it’s real,” answers Thranduil in typical deadpan fashion.
Cue the laugh track.
Really, the only advantages this final Hobbit film has over the other two in the trilogy are these:
- It has a shorter run time. (Yet somehow feels like the longest of the three)
- It’s blatantly stupid on a level that neither of the other Hobbit movies were. This makes it much easier to laugh at and that alone deserves to be commended.
Other than that, it’s financially-focused filmmaking at its most depressing. With The Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson aimed to please by going for our hearts and minds. With The Hobbit, his aim is just as true, only this time he’s shooting for our wallets. And, in that regard alone, he succeeds.
FINAL RATING: 2/5
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