2012: What a year! There were triumphs and tragedies. Laughs and tears. Freaks and Geeks. And so on and so forth. 2012 may go down in history as one of the biggest years cinema had to offer. You've got your long awaited superhero team-up movie, the conclusion to Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight saga, Ridley Scott's long-awaited return to science fiction, and even new tales from Middle-Earth.
It's not too much of a stretch to say that the geeks have inherited the earth by this point. Or, at the very least, the entertainment industry.
Per usual, some of the finest films released this year didn't reveal themselves in all their glory until the very end, but boy oh boy, they were oh so fine and worth the wait, weren't they?
Anyway, this list marks the beginning of my three-part saga, which will conclude with a rousing battle at Hogwarts and my top ten films of 2012. But, before we can get to the greats, we have to trudge through the disappointments and the worst of the worst.
Let's push off, shall we?
THE NOT-SA-GOOD'S OF 2012:
What a complete disaster. Few films pack such a wallop of disappointment as Christopher Nolan's final Dark Knight chapter. Though many of you out there are still hopelessly clinging to the notion that this was a satisfying conclusion, the filter of insurmountable expectations blinds you from the undeniable truth: The Dark Knight Rises just plain sucks. Big time. Characters are butchered beyond recognition, plotlines are undercooked and illogical, and the action is just about as dull as can be. The whole thing is even more disappointing when one considers the massive talents behind the camera. What could have possibly inspired them to be so uninspired? For shame, Mr. Nolan. For shame.
Peter Jackson, the brilliant filmmaker who guided The Lord of the Rings into the ranks of cinematic masterpieces, proves once and for all that George Lucas syndrome may actually be contagious. This first installment of a proposed trilogy based on J.R.R. Tolkien's flimsy novel does little to nothing to illicit excitement for its two remaining entries. It's overstuffed with mind-numbing plotlines and superfluous characters whilst containing none of the majesty or grace of the trilogy that preceded it. It's nothing more than a dreadful bore and such a crushing disappointment.
One of the most overblown productions I've ever had the misfortune of seeing is undermined by some truly horrific direction. With the exception of Anne Hathway's performance, there is nothing moving or awe-inspiring about this mediocre take on a spectacular musical.
Jack Kerouac, one of the 20th century's greatest and most influential writers, gets a mellow, uninspired adaptation of his most famous novel. Visuals aside, performances are disinterested and its script/direction have no grasp of what it was that made the Beat Generation so fascinating. What we're left with is aimless wanderings and empty philosophical ramblings that don't hold the slightest bit of wax of a candle to Kerouac's genius.
Ridley Scott's Alien prequel manages to rip off just about every single Sci-Fi and Horror cliche imaginable, resulting in a final product that is neither exciting nor frightening. Prometheus is uninspired, convoluted storytelling at its finest.
Well, I do unfortunately find myself in the minority here, but I find Silver Linings Playbook to be trite, contrived, and boring. It features two great performances from Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, but, other than that, it doesn't aspire to be much more than misguided sitcom drivel.
I don't know if any movie released in 2012 bored me to the extent that Zero Dark Thirty did. For nearly two hours, we are treated to a cyclical series of events that involve fruitless searching for Bin Laden, endless interrogations of hostages regarding his location or people who might know his location, lots of walking through hallways, and oodles upon oodles of sitting around in offices, staring at computer screens. There are no characters to invest in, no storyline to follow, and the outcome of the whole ordeal is already known to us, so there's not much suspense either - At least, not until the final glorious thirty minutes. ZERO DARK THIRTY is anything but a great flick and doesn't even stand in the same league as Bigelow's previous outing The Hurt Locker.
AND WHAT, PRAY TELL, IS THE WORST FILM OF 2012? DO YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK??
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2
What you see before you, ladies and gentlemen, is no optical illusion, but an actual character in this travesty. Every moment he is on screen fills me with the strangest combination of sexual desire and revulsion the likes of which I have never known in all my life. I have yet to win a staring contest with him. If I ever did, I am certain it would be the end of civilization as we know it.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes...
The final nail in the coffin that is Twilight proves once and for all that this so-called saga is nothing more than a money-grubbing slap in the face to anyone who has the slightest trace of intelligence or even a minimal regard for artistic integrity. This series stands tall with Transformers as what is quite possibly the lowest of low points for modern cinema.
COMING SOON: THE HONORABLE MENTIONS & SHAWN'S TOP TEN OF 2012!!
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