The Amazing Spider-Man 2 or The Death of this Spidey-Fan's Soul

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is baffling in its awfulness. For the majority of is running time, I stared wide-eyed at the screen as director Marc Webb and the writing hack duo of Alex Kurtzman & Roberto Orci crushed every hope and dream I've ever had for another entertaining, soulful take on everyone's favorite web-slinger. Plot holes abound, horrendous performances thrive (Dane DeHaan, hang your head in shame. I thought I knew you) and incoherent storytelling reigns supreme. With the exception of an exhilarating opening sequence involving Spidey doing what he does best, preventing a robbery in peak, wise-cracking form, nary a single moment stands out as inspired. This is a cash cow assembled in a factory by people who want nothing more than to reap the benefits of its box office receipts. There's no heart, no soul and absolutely nothing to give you hope for a brighter future.

It's a sad, sad day for your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

Truth be told, I can't possibly do justice to the full range of terrible that makes up the majority of The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Instead, I will resort to composing a review made up solely of the comments my friends and I were scribbling down on pieces of paper and handing back and forth to one another as the travesty unfolded before our horrified eyes.

Join us now, won't you, as we desperately attempt to cope with our pain:

BEWARE OF POTENTIAL SPOILERS:

"Amazing Spidour Man & Green Tea Goblin."

"At this point, I'm rooting for Electro."

"Denzel Washington got ugly."

"Electro has the powers of the movie Poltergeist and the dialogue of Poltergeist 2."

"Did they secretly want Jason Schwartzman for the security guard?"
"I know - he had the most ironic death. Yeah, whatever."

"Tina Fey got old."

"This is how Psycho started."

"Dane DeH-orrible!'

"New Razzie: Worst use of music."

"ELECTRO-RGASM!"

"I thought Dr. Manhattan was in Watchmen."

"Hi, Peter, it's me. I'm about to die soon. Bye."

"Felicia: In order to communicate with Harry, I must speeakkkk like him."

"Peter and Harry are so gay!"

"I'm Harry! I went to the zombie school of acting. Can I borrow your blood? Meerrh."

"The hope is to extract the venom from their glands and hopefully become better actors in the process."

"This guy makes Hayden Christensen look like Tommy Wiseau."

"This is the most homo-erotic movie since Monsters Inc!"

"NO BING THIS TIME."

"Wait, Paul Giamatti was in that movie? But he's great! I love Sideways!"
"That's the only way you should watch this movie…sideways."

FINAL RATING: 2/5