Fantastic Four Made Me Feel a Little Less Alive and Very Sleepy

In my experience, there are two kinds of Bad Movies. First is the kind so atrocious, so unbelievably awful, that it ascends simple ‘badness’ to become something more, something so bad it’s good (i.e. The Room, Miami Connection, Rocky IV, The Happening, etc.). Then there are movies that are just so painful it’s difficult to derive any enjoyment whatsoever out of watching them (i.e. The Star Wars Prequels, The Godfather Part III, X-Men 3, Die Another Day, Rocky V, The Last Airbender, etc.). Until this past week I hadn’t even considered the possibility of another, but the newest Fantastic Four has blown my mind wide open, introducing me to a whole new category of bad movie: the kind that makes you feel like you haven’t even watched a movie but witnessed some kind of amorphous black hole designed to drain any sense of joy or love from every fiber of your being. It’s not so bad it’s good; it’s so bad I’m surprised it was released at all. It’s something of an anti-movie. Even Roger Corman’s unreleased disaster-fest is a better storytelling venture and I never thought I would ever use that travesty as the prime example of any aspect of filmmaking.

Fantastic Four (or Fant4stic as the marketing campaign had dubbed it before the onslaught of furious fans forced them to get rid of the tacky ‘4 as an A’ idea) is the latest failed attempt to revitalize Marvel’s 1st family, this time in the vein of the ‘gritty reboot’ aesthetic that never actually works unless it’s made by Christopher Nolan. (See The Amazing Spider-Man and Man of Steel for further details) Why 20th Century Fox and director Josh Trank decided to go in this direction, aside from the money signs generated from Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy, is beyond me, especially when you consider that the Fantastic Four are essentially the Brady Bunch with superpowers. I mean, come on, we’ve got a character called Mr. Fantastic whose main superpower is the ability to stretch and the Human Torch who shouts, “Flame On!” as he bursts into flames and you expect us to take this seriously? This comic book is so inherently absurd that all you can do is embrace that absurdity and use it to your advantage. Even Tim Story’s god-awful Fantastic Four films got that aspect of the characters right. (Again, I can’t believe I’m using such terrible films as an example of how to do something right in a movie.) Fant4stic seems embarrassed by every aspect of its source material, doing its utmost to distance itself from it as much as possible, often to its detriment.

Things start off promisingly enough with a flashback that introduces us to a young Reed Richards and Ben Grimm and shows how they became friends. We flash forward a few years (only the first of many lazy flash forward moments – at least they kept that element from Corman’s catastrophe) to find Reed and Ben all grown up and looking an awful lot like Miles Teller and Jamie Bell. With Ben’s help, although it’s never clearly stated how exactly he helps since he’s not a scientist by any stretch, Reed has finally ‘perfected’ the transportation device he’s been working on ever since he was a kid. He catches the eye of Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey) who apparently frequents high school science fairs on the regular in the hopes that he might recruit budding new talent. Dr. Storm is attempting to make a breakthrough in teleportation in order to transport a team of scientists to an alternate dimension in the hopes of finding new resources to sustain human life. Reed seems to have cracked the code, so Dr. Storm jumps at the opportunity to recruit them. Well, maybe ‘jumps’ isn’t the right word for it; Cathey’s performance is so monotone that his excitement is more akin to being slightly sleepy as opposed to totally sleepwalking.

The first act of the film, in which Reed is introduced to Sue and Victor Von Doom and Johnny, is the only functioning act of the entire endeavor. Note, I said ‘functioning,’ not ‘successful,’ because it feels like the act is just barely working. Still, it does a decent job getting all the pieces in the right place and setting up the following acts.

If only there were any following acts.

It takes roughly 40 minutes or so before any superpowers are gained and as soon as they are the film throws up a ‘1 Year Later’ title card, which for some reason they thought would adequately take the place of an entire 2nd Act, no joke. Some military doofus gives some kind of Powerpoint presentation to show how the team has developed their powers and learnt to control them.  What follows is a jumbled mess of an attempt to create some kind of story from this shapeless mass of plotting and an inexplicable lead-in to a third act climax that is so rushed and underwhelming it would be hilarious if it wasn’t so pathetic. (My friend and I actually turned to each other and said, “Is this…supposed to be the final fight?”) The story is so uninvolving and so jumbled that at a certain point it was more entertaining keeping track of Kate Mara's awful wig than it was paying attention to the actual movie.

Is it really this hard to make a decent Fantastic Four film? We’ve already gotten four (how ironic) and not a single one has been good. Brad Bird has already proven the formula works with his animated masterpiece The Incredibles, so what gives, people?? And, unlike 99% of the nerd community, I actually had high hopes for this one. I loved Josh Trank’s first film Chronicle, a fresh, entertaining take on the superhero origin story, and was excited to see what he could bring to the table with a larger budget. While we might not know the full extent of the drama that happened between 20th Century Fox and Trank behind the scenes, one thing is for certain: someone done effed up. Big time. Not even in the film’s most inspired moments (and I’d hate to use the word ‘inspired’ when it comes to anything to do with Fant4stic) does Trank’s direction seem anything but lifeless. The majority of the film takes place in two locations, an underground warehouse and the giant green screen the cast stood on in order to film the alternate dimension sequences. It’s claustrophobic in the worst way and the drab production design and overwhelmingly grey color scheme is mind-numbing.

Likewise, it’s painful to watch such a talented young cast have to make their way through this drudgery. Miles Teller in particular gives it his best go before giving up about halfway through. The rest of this doomed ensemble, which includes Kate Mara as a muted Sue Storm, a barely-present Jamie Bell as Ben Grimm/The Thing, a brooding Toby Kebbell as Victor Von Doom, and a robotic Reg E. Cathey as Dr. Franlkin Storm, doesn’t even bother trying, having even less to work with.

By the time Fant4stic’s eternal 100-minute runtime had concluded, I was desperate to get out into the bright summer sunshine and do anything to remind me that I was indeed a human being and capable of emotion and joy. Calling it a mess is giving it too much credit. I can’t remember the last time a movie made me feel so utterly bereft of anything. One can only hope that the sting of this immense failure will contribute to the rights returning to Marvel Studios. Perhaps then the Fantastic Four will finally get their due. And some actual color. Please, just, for the love of God, give me ANY color.

FINAL RATING: 1/5