The Secret Life of Pets - Film Review

Is it wrong for me to dislike a kids movie featuring a cast of cuddly animals? Because I really didn’t like The Secret Life of Pets, the latest animated effort from Illumination Entertainment. (Yes, that’s the studio responsible for those adorably obnoxious Minions.) I know I’m not technically the target audience for this sort of thing, but couldn’t the filmmakers have included elements to engage its older audience members? An involving plot, perhaps? Or maybe even some likable characters? If you want to see a great animated movie featuring cute animals that won’t insult your intelligence, you’re better off staying home and re-watching Zootopia.

After a promising opening – a montage showcasing a number of pets getting up to all kinds of mischief after their owners have left for the day (if you’ve seen the trailers, you’ve already seen this) – things take an immediate downward spiral. The basic plot rundown is this: Max (Louis C.K.), a loyal terrier living a happy life with his owner Katie (Ellie Kemper, star of Netflix’s Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt), gets a nasty surprise when she returns home with a new dog named Duke (Modern Family’s Eric Stonestreet). Duke is giant, hairy and intent on making Max’s life miserable, so Max schemes ways to get rid of him. During a walk in the park, the two of them get in a fight and become separated from the rest of the group. They'll have to put aside their differences and work together in order to get home safely.

Basically, it’s Toy Story minus everything that made Toy Story so great.

Pets’ biggest failing is an overall lack of cohesion. It jumps from scene to scene with hardly any connective tissue; it’s just an endless array of uninspired sight gags and potty humor. It’s rarely funny and frequently annoying. Even worse, its characters suck. Neither Max or Duke are fleshed out well enough for their selfish behavior to come across as justified. In Toy Story, Woody was jealous of Buzz because Buzz was Andy’s new favorite toy and no longer paid any attention to Woody; in The Secret Life of Pets, Duke is a complete asshole for no reason, immediately justifying Max’s dislike of him. Buzz was never a jerk. He was just oblivious to his situation. Woody behaved badly, but we understood why he was behaving badly. Over the course of the film, he realized the error of his ways and he and Buzz worked together to get back home to Andy.

Pets never justifies its main duo’s actions. It boils down to two unlikable protagonists doing mean things to each other until they become friends for some reason. There’s no actual character development; they don’t bond because they’ve overcome tremendous obstacles or because they have a moment of realization where they understand each other a little better. They bond because they stumble on a sausage factory and, after a random, bizarre sausage acid-trip sequence where they eat everything in sight, they decide they’re best friends. Compelling stuff.

There’s a whole subplot involving a bunch of Max’s friends trying to locate and rescue him that never takes off either, despite the presence of some talented folks including Lake Bell, Jenny Slate, Albert Brooks, Dana Carvey and Hannibal Buress. Kevin Hart shows up too as a fast-talking bunny, determined to take revenge on the human race after being abandoned by his owner years ago. His character seems specifically set up to sell stuffed animals and a potential spinoff series, and contributes little else.

Maybe I would have given The Secret Life of Pets a pass if it was even remotely funny, but it’s not. It’s all slapstick-focused with some poop jokes thrown in for good measure because, you know, kids love poop jokes. The most disappointing part of all is that there's a really good concept here that remains completely unrealized. Illumination has shown itself capable of delivering heartfelt efforts in the past (Despicable Me for one), but The Secret Life of Pets doesn’t come anywhere close to that level. It squanders its talented cast and made me hate the sight of cute, talking animals. For that reason alone, I will never forgive it.

FINAL RATING: 2/5