A Review for Warm Bodies!

Warm Bodies just might be the most adorable zombie movie you will ever see in all your life. This is both good and bad depending on your point of view. While it's harmless enough to warrant a polite pat on the back, it doesn't excel in any particular way. It's slightly funny, minimally scary, and not particularly inventive. The overall package is disappointing considering the charming concept at its core. Nevertheless, it's still moderately likeable even if the end results are disappointingly pedestrian.

Warm Bodies is the story of a zombie named 'R.' As far as he is aware, he used to be a pretty normal kid, but these days he's doomed to aimless wanderings and brain eatings. R falls in love with a beautiful young miss named Julie, rescuing her from a horrific fate after her and her friends are attacked during a mission to collect supplies. He sneaks her to his vacated plane hideout which is decorated with an assorted collection of various items he has discovered. As Julie soon discovers, R is not like other zombies. He's compassionate, caring, has a love for music and collecting old vinyl, and even attempts to communicate with her, albeit limitedly. As they spend more and more time together, R begins to exhibit more human qualities and Julie can't help but develop feelings for him. Naturally. And who can blame her? He's so dreamy!!

It may be attempting to bank off the success of the abysmal Twilight series, but Warm Bodies is both cleverer and more fun. It's also about as lukewarm as you can get. As I mentioned earlier, its intriguing concept shows promise for some really great ideas, but writer/director Jonathan Levine of 50/50 fame doesn't seem much interested in putting forth the effort to make this one really special. As a random side note, Levine's insistence on placing random contemporary tunes into the flick is awkward and makes him seem more like a film school student deparately trying to show off his music collection than anything else.

The performances are what really keep this whole project afloat. Nicholas Hoult as R is very charming and his costar Teresa Palmer's performance as his love interest is sweet and effective. She's kind of like Kristen Stewart...only prettier and, you know, talented or something.

So, at the end of the day, I can't really wholeheartedly recommend Warm Bodies, but it's harmless fun in an unaffecting way. You could do much, much worse and there's enough to enjoy here that it wouldn't qualify as a complete waste of time.

FINAL RATING: 3/5

Shawn Eastridge's Fantastically Spectacular Favorite Movies of 2012 Part 3: THE BIG TEN!!

And now we come to it at last! The great battle of our time! Also known as Part 3 to my super epic favorite films of 2012 list. We've waded through the muck of disappointment and all around awfulness and taken a gander at some of the more solid work to come out that year. Now, brace yourselves and behold the final chapter: The ten best films of 2012. 

Of course, this is all a matter of opinion, as you are more than well aware, but I hold these films in very high regard and truly believe them to be the best of the best.

First things first, there were many great films released last year and I, sadly, did not get a chance to see all of them. Here's a few of the ones that showed great potential and could have very well ended up on this list, but simply escaped my viewing pleasure:

- AMOUR

- THE COMEDY

- FLIGHT

- THE GREY

- THE IMPOSSIBLE

- THE INTOUCHABLES

- KILLER JOE

- THE RAID: REDEMPTION

- SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED

- WRECK-IT RALPH

Alright, enough dilly-dallying. Let's start things off with number ten on the list...

10. SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS
Writer/Director Martin McDonagh gained critical acclaim and recognition for his under the radar sleeper hit In Bruges. But, nothing in that film can quite compare to the unleashed inventiveness and all around zaniness of his follow up feature. With a knockout cast featuring the likes of Colin Farrell, Sam Rockwell, Christopher Walken, Woody Harrelson, and even a funny, slightly terrifying turn from Tom Waits, Seven Psychopaths is hilarious, original, shockingly violent, and, most of all, tons of fun.

9. LINCOLN
What could have been a dry take on our 16th president's attempts to abolish slavery and end the Civil War ends up being a heartening tale of courage in the face of thoughtless prejudice. Master filmmaker Steven Spielberg delivers another strong outing and, thanks to his impeccable skill, he manages to keep our interest in the story and politics by developing its human side. It's to his credit that the film never drags, feels overbearing, or too dull and that's saying a lot coming from someone who couldn't care less about political debates and whatnot. This is also due to some phenomenal acting talent. Daniel Day Lewis is, as always, a marvel to behold and Tommy Lee Jones delivers one of his finest performances.

8. CABIN IN THE WOODS
The brainchild of Joss Whedon and his frequent collaborator Drew Goddard Cabin in the Woods may win the award for best concept of the year. It deserves an even shinier award for its flawless execution. Goddard's direction is spectacular, keeping us on the edge of our seats with countless twists and turns that keep the laughter and scares coming at every given moment. Any fan of horror films deserves to give this one a shot - It'll make all your dreams come true. Even if you're not a horror fan, you owe it to yourself to witness the brilliance of clever filmmaking that fires on all cylinders. Cabin in the Woods simultaneously announces the arrival of a new directing talent while serving as further confirmation that Whedon is an absolute genius.

7. THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER
The Perks of Being a Wallflower thoroughly encapsulates everything that's wonderful/horrifying/heartbreaking about being a high school freshman and falling in love for the first time. At all turns, it is genuinely funny and, at times, all too painfully real. But as everyone is well aware, life is not without its fair share of struggles and Perks offers comfort in the knowledge that as long as one has friends by their side, things might turn out okay. The main story is a bit generic and every so often it teeters off into trite territory, but it's the characters and the performances that elevate this material beyond the usual high school experience schlock that tries to pass as cinema these days. Ezra Miller and Emma Watson are both charming and lovely in their roles, but the real star of the show is Logan Lerman as our main hero Charlie. His performance is remarkable and feels completely honest and heartfelt.

In a way, Perks feels like the best John Hughes movie John Hughes never made. I have a feeling if he was still with us today, he would give his enthusiastic seal of approval. It already feels like a timeless classic and rightfully so: It's a genuine treasure.

6. LIFE OF PI
Easily one of the most beautiful motion pictures of the year, if not the most beautiful. Life of Pi is the story of Pi Patel, the lone human survivor of a tragic shipwreck that killed his family and left him stranded in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. He shares a lifeboat with a vicious Bengal tiger named Richard Parker and, over the course of the film's running length, we are treated to visual splendor after visual splendor in addition to a remarkable story of courage, love, the meaning of suffering, and one's purpose in life. Shot in 3D, Life of Pi is best viewed in the format, taking full advantage of the technology. It is easily one of the best uses of 3D I've ever witnessed. But, visual mastery aside, Life of Pi is deeply moving and woven to perfection by director Ang Lee. It's emotionally satisfying and all around magnificent.

5. DJANGO UNCHAINED
Master filmmaker Quentin Tarantino's latest masterpiece is pure entertainment from beginning to end. The story of a slave turned bounty hunter and his journey to rescue his long lost wife from the clutches of a sinister madman is woven with Tarantino's unbeatable zest for storytelling and pure filmmaking. Every one of his films feels like a celebration of what cinema is capable of and Django is naturally no exception. It may, however, be the most all-around crowd pleasing film Tarantino has ever produced. Everything about it is on point from the spectacular dialogue to the superb casting choices which feature Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Kerry Washington, and a wonderful, menacing performance from Leonardo DiCaprio.

Has Tarantino reached his peak? Every time I think he's reached the pinnacle of his talent, he outdoes himself again. I didn't think he could do much better than Inglorious Basterds, but Django has proven me wrong. I hope he never stops making movies. The cinematic world would be a much darker place without him.

4. ARGO
Based on the true story of CIA operative Tony Mendez's mission to extract U.S. diplomats from Iran under the guise of a film crew, Argo is one of those perfect entertainments that seems to have everything going for it. Ben Affleck weaves this thrilling tale with superb, heartfelt gusto, and even gives a really fantastic performance as well. Seemingly overnight, Affleck has gone from being one of the most mocked performers in Hollywood to one of its most talented filmmakers. Supporting performances are also fantastic, especially Alan Arkin and John Goodman as producing mogul Lester Siegel and special effects guru John Chambers respectively. Argo's story is that of true courage in the face of insurmountable odds and it is unquestionably an outstanding film. If I have to make a pick for the Best Picture Oscar, I'd say this one deserves it the most.

3. MARVEL'S THE AVENGERS
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make: While watching Marvel's long awaited superhero team up flick, I shed a tear or two. It was the moment when the whole team has finally been assembled and the camera dramatically spins around them as they stare down their enemies before unleashing their might in the final showdown. It wasn't my inner fanboy that inspired these tears. Truth be told, I'm not a huge fan of Marvel's turnout prior to this one. Sure, I loved Iron Man, but its sequel along with The Incredible Hulk, Thor, and Captain America didn't do much for me. So, why then did I actually shed tears during this moment? Because, FINALLY, someone has chosen to treat these heroes with the respect they deserve and, as a result, something I never thought I would ever see happen actually happened: The superheroes finally teamed up in a single movie and it exceeded and shattered all expectations, becoming the new pinnacle for superhero filmmaking and big budget entertainment in general (Eat your heart out, Christopher Nolan).

Chalk it up to the genius that is Joss Whedon that The Avengers is not just exciting, but hilarious and heartfelt as well. The cast excels on all fronts, playing off each other perfectly and the action sequences are, no joke, some of the greatest that have ever been committed to celluloid. When it comes to pure entertainment value, The Avengers is a modern day Star Wars and, like that cinematic classic, it's a blockbusting masterpiece.

2. SKYFALL
The James Bond franchise has been a staple of cinema for the past fifty years. After twenty-two films of varying quality, who knew that with its 23rd entry, Bond would reach an all new level of outstanding quality. The genius of director Sam Mendes and this screenplay is that they honor everything that makes Bond such an enduring character while simultaneously pushing the character in all kinds of new directions that have yet to be explored. It's easily the best action flick of 2012, but it's also one of the more visually stunning films to be released this year. Arguably, THE most stunning. Cinematographer Roger Deakins simply has no equal and his work here is some of his best yet. A stunning sequence atop a skyscraper illuminated by neon lights and a subsequent fight scene backlit by said lights gives new meaning to the term 'jaw-dropping.'

Skyfall's performances are off the charts too, with Javier Bardem filling the role of the villain. He gives a spellbinding performance that cements him as one of the best baddies Bond has ever faced. Daniel Craig is, as always, spectacular and Judi Dench gives her finest performance in the series. The relationship between Bond and his boss M has never been more moving. The action and stunts are all top-notch, but don't be surprised if, for the first time in the series' history, you find yourself shedding a tear or two by the film's conclusion. Everything combines in a perfect package that makes Skyfall a thing of pure beauty.

1. MOONRISE KINGDOM
Time and time again writer/director Wes Anderson has enthralled and captivated us with his unique storytelling, his unprecedented storybook visuals, and heartfelt stories and characters. The man has made modern masterpiece after modern masterpiece from Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums to The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou and The Darjeeling Limited (Both underrated gems). He's even got some animation under his belt with Fantastic Mr. Fox! He continually re-raises the bar for himself. And yet, somehow, Anderson surpasses even his own standards with what may very well be his masterpiece: Moonrise Kingdom. This story of young love is so touching, so utterly captivating and heartwarming, and so visually majestic, it's sometimes hard to believe it even exists. Its beauty is so immense that at times it's utterly heartbreaking.

Per usual, Anderson has filled his cast with some of the best actors working in this day and age: Edward Norton, Frances McDormand, Bruce Willis, and even Anderson regulars Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman. The stars of the show, though, are newcomers Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward as the two leads. They both give seemingly effortless and delightful performances.

Anderson is in complete, utter control of his craft with Moonrise Kingdom. It spins its fairy tale story with a wink and a nudge, but it never once feels pretentious or false. Even with his fairy tale sensibilities and slightly exaggerated style, Wes Anderson is crafting some of the most genuine and heartfelt movies of this day and age. I can't wait to see what he has up his sleeve next!



And there you have it, my friends!! My top ten films of 2012! Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it!!!! Fare thee well!!!

Shawn Eastridge's Fantastically Spectacular Favorite Movies of 2012 Part 2: The So Very Close 'Uns

Hello again!!

Welcome back to tonight's feature presentation of Shawn Eastridge's Fantastically Spectacular Favorite Movies of 2012!!

Tonight's topic is the Honorable Mentions. These are the ones I thoroughly enjoyed, but, for one reason or another, missed being in the top 10 by that much. They are all solid films and I highly recommend you give them a shot to see what you think!! 

And away we go!!

21 JUMP STREET
I really didn't expect to like this one, but color me pleasantly surprised. This remake/reboot/whatever of 21 Jump Street is surprisingly clever and hilarious. There's great chemistry between stars Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum and who knew Tatum could be so funny?

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
I have a love/hate relationship with this one. On the one hand, The Amazing Spider-Man is serviceable entertainment with a cute little romance sandwiched in for good measure. On the other hand, it's also a remake of a vastly superior film that only just came out ten years prior. It also manages to completely butcher the character of Peter Parker, turning him into some kind of hip rebel without a cause instead of the awkward nerd who ends up with superpowers. Still, its charm is mostly genuine thanks to endearing performances from Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone. It can't help but feel slight, but it's no Spider-Man 3, that's for certain.

If, however, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 rolls around and it continues this reboot's trend of having nothing new to offer, I shall not be so forgiving.

BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD
A touching fairy tale-esque story about a young girl and her father living in a southern Louisiana bayou, disconnected from the perils of the 'real world.' Beasts of the Southern Wild sports some beautiful images, great performances, and a heart of gold. It didn't wow me quite as much as I hoped it would, but it's still enjoyable.

BERNIE
I love Richard Linklater. Plain and simple. That being said, his films as of late tend to be pretty hit or miss. Thankfully, Bernie is a definite hit. For the first time since 2004's excellent School of Rock, Linklater reunites with the fantastic (and highly underrated) Jack Black. This pseudo documentary about the true events involving Bernie Tiede is hilarious, disturbing, and somehow touching. Black gives one of the finest performances of his career and Linklater weaves this tale with the greatest of ease.

CHRONICLE
Chronicle takes a tired storyline (Superhero origin story) and an even more tired gimmick (Found footage) and brings them together to create something astonishingly fresh and unique. The story of three teens graced with superpowers by a mysterious spaceship is charming and fun. It features a knockout screenplay Max Landis (Yes, as in John Landis' son Max Landis) and excellent performances. Dane DeHaan as the lead character Andrew is the clear standout and, just as Senator Palpatine did with Anakin Skywalker, I shall be watching his career with great interest. The characters are what really set this film head and shoulders above the rest and I wouldn't be surprised to see this one gain some kind of classic status as time goes on.

CLOUD ATLAS
I went into Cloud Atlas well aware that it was nearly three hours long and written and directed by the Wachowski Brothers...*AHEM* siblings...along with Run Lola Run director Tom Tykwer. I was expecting it to be slow, talky, and pretentious. I was stunned to discover it was actually fun, exciting, and genuinely heartfelt. Sure, some of the storylines are extraneous, but somehow, Cloud Atlas managed to hold my interest thanks mostly to some top-notch direction and strong performances.

DREDD
I've never had the displeasure of viewing the unfortunate Sylvester Stallone outing that is 1995's Judge Dredd. Thanks to the latest iteration of the comic book character, I don't suppose I'll ever have to. Dredd is ridiculously violent and gleefully so. It's balls to the walls non-stop action with minimal storytelling and it makes no apologies; it doesn't have to. It's exciting and suspenseful and Karl Urban is so spectacular that I can barely stand it. It's a shame that this one flopped so badly at the box office, but I sense it has the makings of a true cult classic.

LOOPER
Looper is easily one of the most creative concepts of the past decade. Whoever thought up the idea that Joseph Gordon-Levitt should duke it out with a future version of himself portrayed by Bruce Willis is a genius. I presume we have Rian Johnson to thank for that. Sadly, there isn't much duking between these two guys and it's unfortunate that Johnson couldn't stick with the thrill of this initial concept. Instead he chooses to go off on a slightly less interesting tangent involving a romantic interest and a crazy psychic kid. Still, it wasn't enough to kill my enjoyment of the movie and Looper works well enough overall as a solid action flick. Nevertheless, I can't help but wonder what might have been...

THE MASTER
Paul Thomas Anderson is one of the greatest directors working in this day and age. The man is a genius. His visuals are on par with the greats of cinema, Kubrick included. Though his latest effort, The Master, is a bit too pretentious for its own good, it's still a visual marvel and features stunning performances from Joaquin Phoenix (Perhaps the best of his career) and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Don't be surprised though if you find yourself feeling rather indifferent about the whole affair by its conclusion.

THIS IS NOT A FILM
A fascinating examination of one artist's fight to do what he loves, despite the restraints imposed upon him by his country. Iranian filmmaker Jafar Panahi is under house arrest and facing a twenty year ban from making movies. This doesn't stop him from inviting his friend over to film him as he discusses his plans for what his next project would have been. This is Not a Film serves as a powerful reminder of the freedoms we so often take for granted and is nothing short of inspirational.

And that's that for the Honorable Mentions section! Stay tuned for the big finale: The top ten of 2012!!

Shawn Eastridge's Fantastically Spectacular Favorite Movies of 2012 Part 1: The Not-Sa-Good's

Greetings readers!!!!

2012: What a year! There were triumphs and tragedies. Laughs and tears. Freaks and Geeks. And so on and so forth. 2012 may go down in history as one of the biggest years cinema had to offer. You've got your long awaited superhero team-up movie, the conclusion to Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight saga, Ridley Scott's long-awaited return to science fiction, and even new tales from Middle-Earth.

It's not too much of a stretch to say that the geeks have inherited the earth by this point. Or, at the very least, the entertainment industry.

Per usual, some of the finest films released this year didn't reveal themselves in all their glory until the very end, but boy oh boy, they were oh so fine and worth the wait, weren't they?

Anyway, this list marks the beginning of my three-part saga, which will conclude with a rousing battle at Hogwarts and my top ten films of 2012. But, before we can get to the greats, we have to trudge through the disappointments and the worst of the worst.

Let's push off, shall we?

THE NOT-SA-GOOD'S OF 2012:

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
What a complete disaster. Few films pack such a wallop of disappointment as Christopher Nolan's final Dark Knight chapter. Though many of you out there are still hopelessly clinging to the notion that this was a satisfying conclusion, the filter of insurmountable expectations blinds you from the undeniable truth: The Dark Knight Rises just plain sucks. Big time. Characters are butchered beyond recognition, plotlines are undercooked and illogical, and the action is just about as dull as can be. The whole thing is even more disappointing when one considers the massive talents behind the camera. What could have possibly inspired them to be so uninspired? For shame, Mr. Nolan. For shame.

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY
Peter Jackson, the brilliant filmmaker who guided The Lord of the Rings into the ranks of cinematic masterpieces, proves once and for all that George Lucas syndrome may actually be contagious. This first installment of a proposed trilogy based on J.R.R. Tolkien's flimsy novel does little to nothing to illicit excitement for its two remaining entries. It's overstuffed with mind-numbing plotlines and superfluous characters whilst containing none of the majesty or grace of the trilogy that preceded it. It's nothing more than a dreadful bore and such a crushing disappointment.

LES MISERABLES
One of the most overblown productions I've ever had the misfortune of seeing is undermined by some truly horrific direction. With the exception of Anne Hathway's performance, there is nothing moving or awe-inspiring about this mediocre take on a spectacular musical.

ON THE ROAD
Jack Kerouac, one of the 20th century's greatest and most influential writers, gets a mellow, uninspired adaptation of his most famous novel. Visuals aside, performances are disinterested and its script/direction have no grasp of what it was that made the Beat Generation so fascinating. What we're left with is aimless wanderings and empty philosophical ramblings that don't hold the slightest bit of wax of a candle to Kerouac's genius.

PROMETHEUS
Ridley Scott's Alien prequel manages to rip off just about every single Sci-Fi and Horror cliche imaginable, resulting in a final product that is neither exciting nor frightening. Prometheus is uninspired, convoluted storytelling at its finest.

SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK
Well, I do unfortunately find myself in the minority here, but I find Silver Linings Playbook to be trite, contrived, and boring. It features two great performances from Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, but, other than that, it doesn't aspire to be much more than misguided sitcom drivel.

ZERO DARK THIRTY
I don't know if any movie released in 2012 bored me to the extent that Zero Dark Thirty did. For nearly two hours, we are treated to a cyclical series of events that involve fruitless searching for Bin Laden, endless interrogations of hostages regarding his location or people who might know his location, lots of walking through hallways, and oodles upon oodles of sitting around in offices, staring at computer screens. There are no characters to invest in, no storyline to follow, and the outcome of the whole ordeal is already known to us, so there's not much suspense either - At least, not until the final glorious thirty minutes. ZERO DARK THIRTY is anything but a great flick and doesn't even stand in the same league as Bigelow's previous outing The Hurt Locker.

AND WHAT, PRAY TELL, IS THE WORST FILM OF 2012? DO YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK??

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2
What you see before you, ladies and gentlemen, is no optical illusion, but an actual character in this travesty. Every moment he is on screen fills me with the strangest combination of sexual desire and revulsion the likes of which I have never known in all my life. I have yet to win a staring contest with him. If I ever did, I am certain it would be the end of civilization as we know it.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes...

The final nail in the coffin that is Twilight proves once and for all that this so-called saga is nothing more than a money-grubbing slap in the face to anyone who has the slightest trace of intelligence or even a minimal regard for artistic integrity. This series stands tall with Transformers as what is quite possibly the lowest of low points for modern cinema.


COMING SOON: THE HONORABLE MENTIONS & SHAWN'S TOP TEN OF 2012!!

This is Not a Film, but it may be some kind of masterpiece

THIS IS NOT A FILM

The man in the picture above is esteemed Iranian filmmaker Jafar Panahi. In 2011, he was condemned to house arrest and facing a potential six-year prison sentence due to the Iranian government's proclamation that he was creating anti-Iran propaganda in his films. He is also facing a potential twenty-year ban on filmmaking, giving foreign interviews of any kind, or even leaving the country. As he awaited the results on an appeal for his case, he switched on a video camera and began to record a day in his apartment. And so begins This is Not a Film: a powerful rally for artistic freedom and a fascinating look at one artist's fight to hold onto his dreams.

Throughout the course of the film (Or non-film...whatever we're calling it), we pay witness to Panahi's life - His conversations with lawyers, family, neighbors, etc. When his friend and colleague Motjaba Mintahmasb pays him a visit, Panahi hands over the camera and, with screenplay in hand, begins to dictate to us what his next feature would have been if that pesky Iranian government hadn't gotten in the way. He interjects with location scout footage and shows off headshots of the various actors he had planned to cast. He also traces out a floor plan on his living room rug representing the apartment location he had originally intended to use. He describes everything with a youthful energy and even takes the time to explain how an actor can bring something to the role that wasn't in the script (He shows footage from one of his earlier films in which an acting noobie gives a very natural performance). Throughout the rest of his day, he appears to engage in a regular routine: Watching movies, watching the news, discussing his sentence, watching the fireworks outside (And filming them with his iPhone), all this while taking care of the family's pet iguana.

It may not seem like much is happening, but what we are seeing in This is Not a Film is nothing short of extraordinary. The fact that Panahi was able to perform a quiet rebellion of sorts and express himself artistically despite the limitations placed on him is astonishing and should cause all aspiring filmmakers who do nothing more than sit on their asses all day as they wait for a great wave to sweep them to fame and fortune feel awfully ashamed of themselves.

It may not be conventional storytelling, but This is Not a Film serves as a resounding protest against artistic oppression and this alone makes it an admirable effort in every conceivable respect. My best wishes to Jafar, his family, and friends. I hope he finds his way to freedom soon.

FINAL RATING: 4/5

Zero Dark Thirty manages to enthrall my boredom like no other!!

Greetings, reader!!

Have you pondered many a sleepless night away with questions about America's hunt for Osama Bin Laden? Have you always wanted to learn more about the men and women who devoted themselves to finding Bin Laden and bringing him to justice? Would you like nothing more than to watch these men and women spend countless hours staring blankly at computer screens, scanning hostage torture footage, and endless conversations in which the people being interrogated send their questioners on wild goose chases by providing them with minimal information regarding Bin Laden's whereabouts? If these are the things that strike your fancy, then the first two hours of Kathryn Bigelow's Zero Dark Thirty will feel heaven sent. If, however, you are more inclined to desire anything remotely captivating in your filmgoing experiences, say a storyline worth following or even characters you can connect to, you may want to keep looking. Bigelow's follow up to her Oscar winning The Hurt Locker is a dreadful bore, an exercise in tedium unfolding at a glacial pace that makes 2001: A Space Odyssey look like Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Quite frankly, I'm a bit astonished at the near universal acclaim Zero Dark Thirty has been receiving. I don't think I've ever been so bored in a movie theater this year and I've seen The Hobbit. Sure, Bigelow's direction is solid enough. The film is shot with a 'fly on the wall' urgency that desperately attempts to distract us from the glaring fact that not much is happening in the first couple hours of its two and a half hour running length. There's practically nothing to connect to during this time. The plot and situations are a cyclical series of events that are sluggish beyond all belief. Nearly every scene features someone sitting in an office, walking down a hallway, or an interrogation which recycles the same exchanges over and over. They look a little something like this:

Interrogator: "Where is Osama Bin Laden?"

Terrorist: "You will never find him."

Interrogator: "Oh yeah?" *TORTURE* "How 'bout now?"

Terrorist: "Okay, okay, I'll tell you the truth. I don't know where he is, but 'so-and-so' might."

Interrogator: "Thanks, bro."

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

And speaking of torture, I'm not sure why this film is garnering up so much controversy about its supposed 'explicit' torture scenes. It's disturbing, yes, but pretty tame in terms of its graphicness. Even Casino Royale had a torture scene more painful to watch than the ones on display here. Come to think of it, the only torturous thing about Zero Dark Thirty is its running length.

Between brief moments in which I desperately tried to fall asleep, I managed to take notice of the decent, but overall unimpressive performance of Jessica Chastain as Maya, the agent in charge of tracking Bin Laden down. Now, make no mistake, Chastain has oodles of talent; anyone who's seen her in Tree of Life or Take Shelter can attest to that. She's honestly one of my favorite actors working today. Her performance here, though, is mostly monotone. She gets a nice little moment in which she yells at a superior and another random outburst of emotion at the film's close, but for the remainder of the film, she spends her time staring blankly at computer screens, terrorist hostages, colleagues, and maybe a wall or two. When she's given dialogue, she recites it with all the enthusiasm of a high schooler being forced to read passages outloud in their English class. Other performances in the movie are mostly anonymous thanks to a boring beyond all reason screenplay by Mark Boal.

A couple of terrorist attacks are peppered throughout the story, probably in the hopes that the viewing audience will be jarred from their napping, but there is very little in the way of actual suspense, emotion, or thrills. That is, until the film's climax, which involves Seal Team Six's assault on the Bin Laden hideaway. This twenty to thirty minute sequence is easily the strongest of the entire movie. Bigelow shows off her knack for crafting high wire tension and one finally recalls why people consider her to be talented. Truth be told, even with the minimal screen time they received, I cared more about the soldiers involved in the attack than anyone else I'd been forced to spend time with in the preceding two hours. It's a glimpse of another better movie and it's a shame it's not the one we got to see.

FINAL RATING: 2.5/5

Two Reviews for the Price of One!! Django Unchained and Lincoln!!

DJANGO UNCHAINED
Is there a filmmaker working today who is more creatively unhinged than Quentin Tarantino? I can't possibly ever believe it. Time and time again, Tarantino has proved that he is a cinematic prodigy; one of the finest writers/directors of not only our generation, but of all time. It's difficult to pick a single favorite from his rich, spectacular filmography, which includes the likes of Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, and Inglourious Basterds. He may have a miss every so often (Death Proof, anyone?), but even those can't keep him from churning out the goods year after year. And yet, even with these masterpieces under his belt, nothing he has made may quite measure up to his latest work: The unrestrained and downright balls-to-the-walls insane Django Unchained. His Spaghetti Westernizing of slavery in the 1800's is revelatory and there is no doubt in my mind that Tarantino has delivered yet another masterpiece.

The thing that really makes Tarantino a great filmmaker is the way he upends the conventions of any well-known genre and reshapes them to be completely fresh and original while still being instantly recognizable. Django contains all the traits that make his films such a joy to watch and here he cranks them up past eleven (Spinal Tap would be envious). Every single frame of this film is bursting at the seams with action, clever dialogue, suspense, humor, and, naturally, a kick-ass soundtrack. It's filled to the brim with filmmaking fervor and with every twist and turn, one can picture Tarantino bouncing around with excitement as he inspires unbridled glee from his viewing public, the kind of glee that only he is capable of producing.

As always, Tarantino has filled his roles with another perfect cast. Jamie Foxx is Django and he has never been so purely awesome. Christoph Waltz also makes a welcome return to the Tarantino universe as the bounty hunter who takes Django under his wing, serving as his friend and mentor and guiding him on his quest to reclaim his wife from the evil Calvin J. Candie, played with sinister perfection by Leonardo DiCaprio. Other supporting cast members include Tarantino regular Samuel L. Jackson as Candie's wickedly funny house servant Stephen and the lovely Kerry Washington as Django's long lost bride. Both are naturally spectacular.

At nearly three hours long, Django never once drags, nor does it overstay its welcome. It is endlessly entertaining, providing a thrilling story with rich, well-drawn characters spouting razor sharp dialogue. In all honesty, if the film had been another hour longer, I wouldn't have minded in the slightest. It really is that fantastic. There are very few things in this world as thrilling as watching a master filmmaker in complete control of their craft. With Django Unchained, Tarantino continues to prove himself as a cinematic force to be reckoned with. This talk of an early retirement better be codswallop or I shall make it my life long duty to force Tarantino back into action. Let us hope that the writing/directing bug never ceases to pester him. For as long as Quentin Tarantino is making films, the moviegoing world will always have something to rejoice.

FINAL RATING: 5/5

LINCOLN
God, I love Steven Spielberg. Say what you will about his career as of late, but one thing cannot be disputed: The guy knows how to make great movies. His latest film Lincoln is a passion project of his that he's reportedly been working on for the past decade and his affection for the material and the man at the center of it all is rather apparent. Still, it's not every man who can take a story about politics and elderly gentlemen sitting around large desks discussing them and make it captivating for a general viewing audience. But, Mr. Spielberg is no mere man and, once again, he has made a deeply felt work that not only ranks as one of 2012's best, but one of Spielberg's finest films in his more recent years.

Lincoln tells the story of our legendary 16th president and his tireless attempts to pass the 13th amendment, which will guarantee the abolishment of slavery once and for all. Spielberg weaves this tale with the greatest of ease. Working with a phenomenal script by Tony Kushner, he manages to combine fascinating drawn out political debates with humor and, above all, a strong sense of humanity. Fascinating is a word I never thought I'd ever use to describe a political debate, but that's part of the genius of this film - It manages to enthrall despite it's potentially dry subject matter. Most importantly, it never loses its focus on its characters and it is they who provide this film with its much-needed heart and soul.

Great direction aside, it's the performances that really make Lincoln shine. The cast is chock full o' talent, showcasing some of the finest performers of all time doing what they do best. It goes without saying that Daniel Day-Lewis' portrayal as Abraham Lincoln is magnificent and mesmerizing. His resemblance to the historical figure is uncanny to the point where if you replaced his profile with the real Abraham Lincoln's on a five-dollar bill, I doubt many would notice the difference. His heartfelt, powerful performance helps steer the film to greatness. Equally as spectacular is Tommy Lee Jones as Thaddeus Stevens. Jones brings his standard, always welcome world-weariness to the role along with a wicked sense of humor that makes this one of his best performances to date. The supporting cast also includes the likes of Sally Field as the strong-willed Mrs. Lincoln, David Strathairn as Secretary of State William Seward and James Spader as Republican party operative William N. Bilbo. Even Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who's been popping up everywhere, makes an effective, if all too brief, appearance as Lincoln's son Robert.

Lincoln is virtually flawless and if there's any fault with which it can be attributed, it's the inclusion of a short sequence involving its title character's tragic assassination. These shockingly abrupt scenes contribute nothing to the final product and actually serve to diminish the overall impact of the film's ending. But, despite this minor defect, Spielberg proves once again why he is arguably the greatest filmmaker of all time. His mastery of the craft is impeccable and along with deeply felt performances and a strong sense of humanity, the ballots are in: Lincoln is magnificent.

FINAL RATING: 4.5/5